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December 18, 2005"Poetry and banality. Jesus, people have no poetry!" If you expect poetry from your loved one or from the movie you paid ten whole american dollars to watch on the big screen, expect away -- but the idea that you could require people with whom you have no connection to express their feelings in the way most pleasing to you... Come now. These people going through the various stages of in love are my close friends, not performers. I didn't pay them to entertain me with their stories of new love. It's not about me and what I want -- it's about what's happening with them.Asking that people "take the time to figure out, say, a word or two to describe their goddamn feelings!" ... ok. Probably unrealistic (we'll deal with that below), but ok. But expecting "poetry" is a completely different thing from expecting people to "be serious, pragmatice, to take care to nurture love as would any other kind of exchange, of relationship." Each of us has a way of expressing our love. Many people go hallmark or red roses, some people write poems, fewer still dedicate a novel to that special one. Some take photographs, some scrape the icy network of crystals off the car windows at 6am because they know you're running late and traffic is going to be a bitch. For Valentine's Day, papa always buys mama one of those funny gaudy cards, signs it only with "D." and places it next to a dozen red roses. Granted, they've been married for 25 years next spring. They're not going anywhere. Mother Russia doesn't even do that V Day. And I hate cards that don't use up all the space with pre-written poems or drawings because I want to write my own words, but apparently that works for papa and (we hope) it works for mama. And "poetry" is so flexible... Having someone who makes you breakfast every morning sure as hell is beautiful. And I am not taking this into the "what is beautiful, what is art" debate. Then: the realism. You don't have to remind anyone that love doesn't always work out -- I think most people have that part down. All the more reason to rejoice when, for a moment, it seems beautiful and perfect and unbelievable. "In six months they'll be complaining just like everyone else, and THAT WILL BE FINE, but it's stupid to pretend that they won't." Enjoying a moment, letting it be and feeling what it is, is not the same thing as pretending that it will last forever. "What advice should we give these fuckers? 'Just enjoy it while it lasts'?" You know what -- YES! Sometimes, you DO have to enjoy it while it lasts. Don't ignore it, don't neglect it, don't delude yourself into thinking this is how it will be forever and forever. We're not talking months of rose-colored glasses. We're talking moments that fade quickly. For me, putting the future on hold is key to enjoying the moment. I know I'm going back to school in a couple weeks, but right now I have to blog this comment, and tomorrow I'm going to get mama's Christmas present and decorate the tree and have Chinese food for dinner to celebrate her birthday, and next week I'm going to New York -- and I can't think about the return to school at every moment just because I know it will happen. It will happen whether or not I think about it, whether or not I'm ready. Then: the indescribable love. "We haven't felt 'like this' before because we've never been in love with this particular person, but personally, I think our mind preserves itself by erasing a lot of good memories - so that we're equipped to make new ones..." "People in love think that their feeling is without or beyond category. Fuck that!" But why fuck that? So what if every time you fall in love it does feel completely new. If you feel your heart expand in a way you could not predict, did not foresee, maybe it is just that: indescribable. Maybe you don't have the vocabulary to quantify it yet, because you can't quite understand it. Only in retrospect can I look back and understand. (And even then, I'm not sure how accurate my understanding is. How do you know when your perception of reality is most accurate when there might not be one stable "reality"? And I'm not talking about that woman who writes to Dear Amy about her boyfriend who says he'll never leave his wife but she thinks he really will so isn't it a good idea to hang on for a while.) As much as I love being able to organize my life into a neat box (and I mean really would just love that, and I'd wrap the box in brown paper and tie it up with off-white string and put it under the Christmas tree and nothing would make me happier)... To make sense of it all right away -- how is that even possible? "Forgetting to set boundaries and expectations right out of the gate cause they're So Fucking In Love." How can you shape something, when you don't even know what you've got? You don't know if you're working with silly putty or a slab of concrete. If I can make sense of it, and control where it's going, and know for certain what will happen next, then there's no point. I will not learn, I will not be surprised. I will have it wrapped up in a beautiful little box that I can examine from every angle. I will tell you how tall it is, and what color, and how much it weighs. But that does me no good. "And since it's such a COMMON feeling and inspires obvious RAGE (and occasionally even a smattering of jealousy), I think people should actually take the time to figure out, say, a word or two to describe their goddamn feelings!" I, too, would love to be able to understand what I am feeling and translate that into words -- how much simpler it would make so many things. Simpler is easier, but better? Then: the science. "No one's interested in hearing about how some motherfucker's brain isn't working anymore because he's making out with some other motherfucker!" What can I say -- I am interested! haha. I know there's pure unromantic practical science behind love: the chemicals, the symmetry of faces, the hip to waist ratio. Maybe we'll really get it down to science someday... What then, I don't know. "I guess it's important to get amped up about something but - and I hate myself a little or saying this - let's get amped up about making something, not just falling into it. Making what? Maybe even love. But something." I wish we could all understand what we feel and communicate perfectly and come to mutual understandings that erase ambiguity and confusion. I love knowing where I'm going. I love having a plan. When I'm "making" something, I have some idea where it's headed. When I'm lost, I'm "falling," I don't have any control, and to relinquish that power of creation and give in to the sweeping tide, for me that is the greatest challenge of all. |
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